Atatyate

I have had only a handful of dreams that I will always remember. Three of them have the same man in them. He has bright eyes and a warm presence. Sometimes he looks a little different, but I always know it's him. The first dream that he showed up in was in the year 2000 I think. The part that I clearly remember was that I was walking down a crowded street, like New York or something. People were all bumping into me and I began to feel annoyed and overwhelmed.  Then, there he was. He looked at me and said "Just remember Amber, everyone is Jesus." After waking up, I felt humbled, and also watched over in a way. I can't explain that, just is. 

The second dream I had where he made another appearance was the next year, in 2001. I was a massage therapist and working full time. I made a contact and had a job lined up in Greece at a Spa. I also had a friend leaving for Spain for however long her money could take her. I felt restless and decided I was going to go on one of these travels. I told my dad and he was extremely disproving of this idea, and I recall getting into huge fights over it. One night, I had a dream that I was sitting on a couch and was talking to this same man and he said to me "you won't be traveling now, you need to go back to school. You will travel later my dear." That's what I did. I went back to school for 2 more years and became a teacher, which I know now I would never trade for the world. I did end up traveling to Ireland for some time after I graduated. All was well.

The third dream was 2 nights ago, on Friday I guess. The first part of the dream I won't go into too much detail, as it was a bit, um, gross. But, again, I was just having a casual conversation with him. This time he said, "you're not well, Amber." I asked him what I should do. From that point, he started telling me lots of things that I could do to resolve my issues. I can't remember all of that. I do remember asking him to just narrow it down to 1 or 2 things, from there, It would all start to fall into place. I distinctly remember the word he said then. It was "atatyate". I sat up in bed. It was 3 am. Tyler had stayed up late that night and was just walking in. I said, I have to look something up. I was thinking, okay, it must be some sort of herb, tea, tincture, to help with some physical ailment that I am not completely aware of. Who knows. But, no. I found that atatyate is actually an old sanskrit word. I googled the word, and this is what the first result said:

cl. 1. P. A1. {aTati} , {-te} , {ATa} ,{aTiSyati} , {ATIt} ,%{aTitum} , to roam , wander about (sometimes with acc. ; frequently used of religious mendicants): Intens. {aTATyate} , to roam or wander about zealously or habitually , especially as a religious mendicant.

**A mendicant I found out, is someone that helps the poor and lives without riches.

I could not go back to sleep for some time, but finally did at around 4:30. The next day (yesterday actually), I was driving and I thought, what?! I'm about to buy a house and start a salary job again and I'm supposed to be traveling zealously?! I can't do that! Am I living the wrong way? Have I lost my giving spirit and forgotten what I always felt I should be doing?

But after sitting with this for a while, I realized, no, whatever this is will come to me somehow. One thing that I have promised myself is that I will start a travel fund this fall. It will be for travels to places that I've always wanted to go, but also where I can volunteer and serve others. In fact, that will be the purpose of the trips, just to serve others, which I feel makes my life more joyous.

I'm not sure what to think of the dreams or this man. In some ways I feel like he is my angel, or what if he is just something in my dreams that shows up as my "higher knowing". I don't know, but, I always feel like I should be listening.

The hood

In our neighborhood, there are many homeless people that hang out down the street at the park. They are all extremely kind and I never feel afraid around them. They have recently started sleeping and hanging out at the parking lot next door to our house and at one point, a guy was sleeping in our driveway. I was pulling in and as you can imagine, it startled me and luckily I didn't hit him. I walked by him with Ru to go on our walk, and I'm pretty sure he thought he was in the parking lot, not by our yard. There was a couple of times, I actually thought they were in the house because we can hear them chatting right outside our windows. They never are of course, so I don't worry about it. However, this morning I was out back with Ru and I saw a slow shadow moving up the driveway. I went around the corner just to see if it was a delivery man or something and it was a scruffy looking man slinking his way back over to the parking lot. I know they come back there because sometimes our recycle bin is moved. But, nothing of value is ever taken. What I am thinking is that we can just put our glass recycling container out front (Tyler is not a fan of this). I'm pretty sure that's what they are looking for, and frankly, I don't mind that at all. I almost said to him "no, it's okay, take some bottles", but I didn't. It has got to be so hard wondering where and when you might get your next bite to eat. My heart goes out to them.

On a different note, I will be going to the Shambhala Center this weekend for the final level, V. I am always a little nervous about going because, well, it's damn hard. But, it's always great because I come out with a new and deeper technique of meditation to add to my practice and I always somehow feel more space around me at the end. I really enjoy going back and meeting up with the group that I have gone through the levels with. We talk about what has happened for us since the last class, etc. It's great. I look forward to it every time!

This picture is close to what the room looks like at the Center:

keep going

I've realized that I'm pretty sure I have something called 'senioritis'. I am almost done with school and basically I lie (just little fibs) and do things half ass at times, to get things done in my grad classes this term. I have to admit, it is giving me some free time lately that I didn't have during the previous terms. The time of year is perfect for a slacker like me! Yes, I will still get it all done with a 4.0, but I am realizing that in grad school, a 4.0 is not a major feat! Anyways, I have been taking lots of walks and hiking too. I am reminded again of the beauty and complexity of life. I was walking on Thursday with Ru dog and I had my Ipod playing songs in my ears. I am mostly tired of my Ipod songs and was just shuffling through to find one that was good for my walking feet. I stopped at a song by M. Ward that touched me in a way that it never did before. Have you ever had that happen? You listen to something one day and it does nothing, then the next, you are crying from the words! These words "what do you do with the pieces of a broken heart? And how does a man like me remain in the light?" Good questions to continuously ask. I believe that the answer will also change continuously. Music is good, life is good, and even broken hearts are too......

Things are a changing! Part II

Well, things are still changing and I re-evaluated my decision this week. After canceling the interview at Lake Oswego last week, I received a "wake up" call from someone that is on the interview team there. She was wondering why the heck I wasn't there and they wanted me to come! Please reschedule. I thought, okay, what the heck? It's not going to hurt anything. Then, I thought, damnit! Don't confuse me! I had this whole thing worked out! But, I realized there was more heart work that needed to take place. So, that's when I decided to do a lot of praying, meditating, writing, and just plain soul searching, and decided to go for the position in Lake Oswego for the coming Fall. In a lot of ways it's a lot smarter, but also an incredible opportunity to use my Autism Certificate preparation. I'm excited and also mourning the part of me that really wanted the Montessori job as well. 

Good news is that I get to stay in beautiful Portland and will be making a bit more money. Tyler and I both said that it really would have been great to live in a small place like Silverton, in a few years. I don't think either one of us was ready for the small town life right now. I think that I chose an incredible district though and I am ready to get back into the classroom! 

Things are a changing!

As many of you know, I have been on the hunt for happiness and a new job for next year. At first, I kept thinking to myself that this is just a terrible market to look for jobs, so just take one that pays something, even if it's special ed. Then, something shifted. I only started applying for jobs I would REALLY want. And, yes, some were special ed. I decided that the only special ed. job that I would really enjoy and be willing to put up with paper work for, would be a job in an autism program. So, I pursued this very diligently. I got an interview at one of the most competitive jobs (over 50 interviewed applicants) for a job as a "learning specialist" for kids with Asperger's or HAS. This job would be a really neat and good experience! After the first interview, where I was told to not get my hopes too much, there's a lot of qualified applicants, I got a call to come in for a second! I was basically in shock, but very excited.

Now, I will back up.......at the beginning of the year, I applied for a job very far away, in beautiful Silverton, Oregon. It takes about 50 minutes to get there from here. I had a first interview way back in February. It's a new Montessori program opening up there for 1st-3rd grade. I met the wonderful team of women, about 7, that are starting it up. Immediately, I felt a connection to their vision. As we spoke, I saw myself as a small child, as I attended a very small Kentucky Montessori school from pK-4th grade. I thrived there, and at 7 years old, I said to myself "I'll work here when I grow up." Well, it's not in Kentucky, but it's a small Montessori school house! After my first interview, I received an email that they have a lot of applicants, more than they expected, that had Montessori training, which I did not. But, they wanted to meet with me again for a 2nd interview anyway. That was this week. Again, meeting with them, I felt at home and the interview was more like a group of people that all want the same thing, bouncing ideas off of eachother. At the end, one of the women gave me a great big hug and said, "we'll let you now in two weeks." I thought to myself, perfect! I have my interview next week for the Asperger's program, so I can see how that goes. Well, change of plans. I got a call two days later with an offer to work in Silverton. In shock, I said, well, I have to think about it, and I did. I stewed, and was up all night. Then, it dawned on me. If I don't think about anything else, like moving, etc., but these two jobs themselves, what would I pick? Duh! And I took it the next day! I will be sacrificing some things. I will no longer be living in Portland and will be making potentially less money. Upside is I will be following my heart! SOOOOO, I will be starting a Montessori program in June for six weeks up by Seattle and yes, I will be a Montessori teacher by the next school year. Tyler and I have some decisions to make, as there is no Trader Joe's in Silverton or anywhere near it. 

The worst that would happen is that I hate Silverton and I don't like the job (I doubt it). I can still come back and look for a job in autism. Next step, cancel my interviews with Lake Oswego and Beaverton. I did NOT think that would be happening! Life is so good!

Joy

I had a wonderful week with my mom! She came out to visit last week and we ate, laughed, drank coffee and wine, walked around town, and at one point, we did fight. I hated fighting with her, but through it, we found a new place to be with eachother. It's interesting because I am mostly deathly afraid of confrontation, but end up there every so often and just want to run away. What happens if I don't? I have an opportunity to see myself and the world more clear! I am not sure how I would ever grow without learning how to have healthy confrontations from my amazing mom. I am ever so grateful for her insight and compassion. 

Any-who, most of you know that spending hours on the couch watching movies under a warm blanket is just about my favorite thing to do. I know there are many things to do outdoors, and I love those things too. There's just nothing like a cozy day indoors. We decided to do this on the second day of her visit. We included some scotch on this day, and I wasn't too sure about that part later on. Ha! While we were huddled under the blanket, Ru decided to join us and we were very happy to have him cuddle. However, he did not lay next to us, he laid on the top of the couch. You'll see from this picture that things were a little backwards. We were very amused.

Well, I have today off and I am going to spend part of it getting my butt kicked (again) at Camp24. Talk about a workout. I also have Shambhala Training level IV this weekend and am very excited for this. Can't wait to sit!

hearts and animals

Riding in my car by strip malls and designer stores

I see you on our shoes

In our shirts

On our faces

In our hair

On our smooth smooth legs

Weighs on my heart

If you only knew that I would stop them

If I could

You have done no crime

Your skin 

Your eyes

Your insides

Your dignity, I see it

And we put on our make up 

And we wear our fancy clothes

But we don't have to see you

Or hear your cries

If we don't want to

I will live everyday

Believing

That we will someday see the pain

In your

Eyes and

Hearts

But won't turn away

And understand

That your pain

Is our pain

I'm sorry

I'm sorry

**I decided to add a little bit of background behind this poem. I know it's very sad and dark. I watched a video clip about the animal trade for wool, leather, and furs yesterday. It's all things that I already knew about, but the cruelty shown just reminded me that the business is still alive and well. I hope that someday we can get back to the honor we use to have for these beautiful creatures around us. When did the demand get so high for wool and leather clothing? I'm not sure. But, it has become so big, that the dignity of animals have been put aside for profit. Because we don't have to see it happening right by us, it's just easy to not really check labels for "sheepswool from China". It's not that I don't understand that people wear these things, because it's all around us! Old Navy, Express, Target, EVERYWHERE. But I encourage you to do your research! If you are buying leather, look up what process really goes on to get that product to you. Most likely, things didn't get to you from here and there are some pretty horrifying things that happened to the creature that they made your shoe, belt, or watch out of. We turn a blind eye way too often. I guess it's easier, because it takes a lot of time and effort to look up humane products. For me, it's important. It's just better for the environment, animals, and my heart.